You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
