I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
