Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
