he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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