We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
