I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
