I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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