and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i think my cat just said my name.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
