life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
