i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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