yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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