If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
