College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
