i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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