I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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