When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
