there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
