The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
