Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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