Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
