Your mouth is God's brothel.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
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