i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
