the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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