dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
