I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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