oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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