i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
