When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
