it wasn't lemon gatorade
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
