i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
