How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
