well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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