Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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