He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
50% drunk capacity currently
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
