Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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