god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
