Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
