We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
