Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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