Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
