i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
