bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
