I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
