but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
