I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
