I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
