I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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