so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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