I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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