she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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